It all started when I was a child; my mom forgot to sign some papers and I was left behind. It never mattered to anyone that I had the best grades in class or read on the most advanced reading level that could be attained. Because I was always older than all of my peers, they assumed I was incompetent, an imbecile. It was in elementary school where my inferiority complex began to take shape and by the time I reached middle school it had taken over my entire being. The difficulties of dealing with an inferiority complex can be somewhat stifling because in come cases it can take years before you even realize you have one.
Inferiority complex: often used to mean low self-esteem, is a feeling of intense insecurity, inferiority or of not measuring up. An inferiority complex can be seen in the negative or "useless" reactions to problems in life. These reactions are useless because they do not solve the problem at hand, but only serve to guard one's self-esteem by avoiding the task or by placing the blame for the failure outside of the individual's control. Although the inferiority complex may be seen as comparing individuals or groups as one being superior to another, it more closely describes how one deals with a fear of failure.
By the time I reached high school, this complex had devoured my entire soul. My desire to be perfect and noticed by prevented me from forming healthy relationships. I was so eager to impress my first boyfriend in high school that I went out of my way to lie to him about my family situation and even my grades. I didn't want him to think that I wasn't pretty or smart enough. While his mom was professor at a prestigious university, my mother barely made her way through high school with an outstanding 2.0 GPA.
What I soon came to realize was that none of this mattered. After high school, I went to college, and not just any college. Oh no, it had to be one of the best, one of the most prominent, and of course one that would have my credit score struggling to stay above 650.
People gave me the kind of attention I didn't receive in high school when going to college. They nurtured my complex until it became intractable. Eventually, I wouldn't have been able to walk past a mirror without drowning myself in mascara or throwing on two extra shades of lip gloss. It infuriated me if someone walked past me without so much as a glance, or if I was introduced to a friend and thy didn't comment on how I pretty I was.
If I had never figured out the root cause of this complex, I would have allowed it to deteriorate my soul and mentally block my chances of ever achieving success.
Life after college was worse because I threw myself into a world where people thrived on others with my complex. My first experience was with two South African guys I befriended. Their daily conversations consisted of the growth of deciduous trees and the Cuban revolution. How was I supposed to keep up with them?
There were many nights I stressed over my ignorance because I did not know as much as them. I later became closely acquainted with a Korean man who often joked on how stupid I was; he said it was cute.
One time while conversing with his friends, I was completely unaware that I made an irrational comment. I simply wanted to know if Mao, a Chinese revolutionary, was dead. Of course I knew he died; I just didn't know when. Instead of sounding intelligent, I came across as an even bigger idiot than I did before. Before College I tried to fuel my inferiority complex by perfecting my beauty and becoming so obsessed with it that I became oblivious to everything around me.
Now here I was yearning to pronounce myself as a productive member of society and the only way I knew how to feed my inferiority complex was by appearing to be smarter than what I really was so that people would accept me.
Instead of showing people the charismatic personality I had to offer, I began to withdraw socially from everyone in fear they might find out my secret; I absolutely know nothing of the world and I didn't have anything to offer, so I'll continue sitting behind my mascara and concealer because as long as I'm beautiful, people will want to be around me; they may only love me above the surface, but at least they will love me.
Love- an intense feeling of deep affection; a prolonged mutual protection.
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